Upping the feedings and venting

Warning--this is a post with too much emotion. A little rambling, but it feels good to get some of this out, even if it is just writing it.

We are upping Zach's feedings as of tonight. He still hasn't officially taken his first bottle really (daddy tried, but he was too tired/full). They want us to try to have 3-4 nursing/bottle sessions a day now. He actually nursed twice in a row tonight and did fantastic! We are so proud of our beautiful little boy. His weight is up to 4 lb 5 oz now. We also got complete results back from a test they took shortly after birth and everything is fine!! YEAH!! After I fed him tonight, we just hung out, loving on each other. He felt so great in my arms. It is nice to have the chance to hold him now that he is in his crib. I feel more powerful as a parent. As a NICU parent you feel pretty helpless most of the time. They give you these tiny baby steps as "responsibility" as a parent--you can take temp and change a diaper! Wow!! I have also accepted more of a role now as far as feeding goes b/c if I think Zach eats well then he won't get an additional feed thru his ng tube. This is a lot of pressure on me as a mommy, determining if he "gets enough". Also odd since I am so not used to this breastfeeding thing anyway. My other 2 babies were bottle fed, you put in 4 ounces and saw if they ate it or not. Now I have more pressure to make sure my preemie is getting enough food! Yikes!! Now, when they told me he could nurse 4 times a day I turned on the water works. Mind you, I would LOVE to nurse my baby 4 times a day. The tears come into play b/c it is nearly impossible for me to do that and I feel so helpless. I want to be there for my baby, and I don't feel like a good mommy saying no to this request. The schedule is not as easy as it would seem:

• Zach eats at 8:30, 11:30, 2:30, 5:30 and repeat the cycle.
• Emerald goes to school 3 days a week at noon off at 3. That makes the 11:30 and 2:30 feedings impossible.
• We leave our house at 4:15 in order to make it to the 5:30 feeding. While we are only 15 miles away (close in comparison to others), it is in some traffic at times, snow tonight, and normal getting out of the house routine with 2 young toddlers ("but mommy I want one more hug", "wait, come see this picture I made".) You get the idea. Once we are at the hospital we have to always park forever away, walk in the cold inside (which by the way still kind of hurts by late evening due to these lovely staples they inserted and removed in my abdomen), walk to the far elevator (the close one is closed due to repair of course), and wait, forever, and ever, for the elevator to arrive. Take it to the 4th floor, usually stopping at every floor, stop and use the restroom (they don't have one inside the NICU and you'd have to re-wash), hang your coat, and buzz in. You then have to sign a form saying you are healthy each day, sign in a book, and then wait your turn to scrub your fingers/arms until they bleed (well, almost). You then move sleeves up, scrub the heck under nails, up the arms, and fingers for a solid 3 minutes (it is longer than you'd think). Then, finally, you can walk back to Sunflower Street to room 22 and finally walk into Zach's room--ahhhhh....
• Next you wait for the nurse to give you a report, if she's close by, deposit the milk supply from the last 24 hours. Finally, it's then about 5:10-5:15, start temp and diaper duty so that by 5:30 he can eat. Pump after the feeding. Usually you stay for quite a while and don't get home until about 9:30 or 10 and finally get to eat dinner, maybe.
• At 10:00 try to eat dinner fast, deal with bills, insurance needs (yes, that is a big deal these days), clean the house, prepare for the next day, give the dog attention, talk about important issues of the day, etc.
• Repeat daily until you are so tired you want to drop, but need to stay happy and positive for all 3 of your kids' sakes!

So, while it sounds easy to pop up to the hospital for a feeding, it takes a lot longer than you'd think. Of course we are hoping that someone (usually daddy or grandma this week) is taking good care of the big kids at home during this routine.

I am also extremely frustrated right now with the pumping situation. The one huge thing I can do for Zach right now is to pump every 2-3 hours. I can't bathe him yet, I can't even walk around with him in my arms, he's attached to too many cords for that. There are way too many "I can't" things to list, so I'll stop. I can pump, and I am trying to do just that! However, my supply is dwindling dangerously low right now and I am freaking out that my supply will go away before he comes home. this is just another reason I'd love to be at the hospital to feed him more often. I always do much better when I'm at the hospital. I am told to do all these things to help me out, and I am, really I am. It just isn't helping. And me, the one who cries anyway, the hormonal post-partum woman, the mommy of 3, the mommy with a baby in the NICU, the person recovering from the C-section, the mommy worried about everthing, just can't help but cry, tears and tears, crying!! This just sucks at times!! It's good, there is so much positive, I know! I believe in the positive, I do! But, I have to say, that there are many, many more moments than I care to admit, that THIS JUST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!! I didn't expect this to be super easy, but honestly, this is just really hard. That's all I can say! I know Zach's doing great, but he's still not good enough to come home. He is still on his nasal cannula, and that means at least another couple of weeks before he could come home at the earliest. He's working on the eating thing (thus my rampage above). However, I want him home. I want my 2 kids to get to know their brother, and understand that he isn't just a thing we go "to the doctor" to see. He really is supposed to be part of our family, here, in the house. It stinks worrying about whether he drops his stats, is the test going to come back positive or not, will he be ok when I leave him. It sucks that I still hurt at times. It sucks that I can't pick up my big kids when they want me to hold them. It sucks that I am complaining right now. So, I'll stop, and be positive again.

It's the weekend. Skip is home now. We get to celebrate with family this weekend. Our sweet nephew, Josiah, is having a baby dedication on Sunday. That will be a positive occassion. We are also celebrating with family our sweet Calvin's upcoming second birthday. He will love it. We will try to work on the house and get it ready for Zach. It still has a long way to go.

I'm off to kiss and tuck in my big kids (who are already asleep). I didn't even get to see Emerald tonight. She was still napping when I left and asleep when I got home. Let's also hope Calvin sleeps thru the night. Not something he did well last night--4 times crying in the night, and awake to pump. Good night all!