2 weeks ago our lives changed!

Happy 2 week bday little Z man!! 2 weeks ago our world was changed--changed in a way that will forever be in my memory and my heart. It is nowhere near what I had anticipated, but then again, a lot of my life is like that. Another reminder that we only think we are in charge, He truly does lead us! I was telling Skip that all those years of anticipating and it just wasn't what I thought it would be. Not in a bad way, Zachary just wanted his own special, unique birth story, too, just like Emerald and Calvin each have. I do have to say that we were also discussing the moment of finding out whether Zach was a boy or girl, something you all know I was eagerly anticipating, having been to about 6 sonograms and denying that information, just wasn't what I had expected, either. At that moment, 2 weeks ago, it didn't matter whether my baby had boy or girl parts at all--the only thing that mattered was that he was ok, breathing, and able to survive. I never really spent much time thinking about whether I'd find out the sex of my baby in that way. The chaos of the moment, the scared feelings we both had, and wanting to know that our baby was ok far exceeded the importance of gender. They told us it was a boy, and that really just went right over my head, I just wanted to know that he was breathing, that he was ok, and how big he was (so I could justify that he really was ok). I also know that at about that moment I was also about to pass out, they said my blood pressure dropped really low for a moment, and I remember it happening as I felt myself almost going to sleep. It was a scary feeling, and not something I want to re-visit any time soon. That was not how I had anticipated finding out about my baby being a boy, but that's how it happened.

Anyway, now that it's been 2 weeks I can drive again! This is huge news in our world, b/c now I don't have to depend on someone else to help me out with kids and transport me to the hospital. I drove myself to the hospital tonight and was able to spend some awesome quality time with Zachary. He is doing fantastic!!! When I first got there they told us his weight from last night was 3 lb 11 oz. Then they weighed him again before I left and 3 times in a row (the nurse couldn't believe the results) he was up to 3 lb 15 oz!!! I don't know how such a little man can gain 4 oz in a 24 hour period, but if it's true he has surpassed his birth weight!! What a little trooper we have. They have upped his feedings a little bit, from 32 to 35 cc's. They also lowered his air temp in his isolette and said that he may move to a crib in the next couple of days--I don't plan to get my hopes up until it happens (you'll hear me say this a lot). The nurse practioner was going to take out his nasal canulla today, but each time he eats he keeps dropping his stats so they have him at 0.1 L of oxygen and 21% (the same as you and I breathe) until he eats, then they sometimes bump it up to 24% or 25%. That is really not much at all, but just enuf for our little Z man. Sad news of the day is that Zach has his first diaper rash, and it is kind of nasty. Poor little red hiney, I just hate that for him. As if he isn't

I got 2 1/2 hours of Zach loving time tonight (holding him)!! Man did it feel incredible!! Mean nurse has been there for 2 or 3 days, and she is gone! Nice nurse was on tonight and she was all about him having some mama loving time. I just loved being able to cradle hold him, then pull him up and kiss all over that sweet smelling head. He is just so darn cute. He pretty much slept the entire time, but that's ok with me. He was smiling in his sleep and it was so sweet. It is amazing to think that he is still supposed to be inside of me for another 6 weeks, but I guess I am lucky b/c I get that much more time loving on my little man. Emerald was pretty sweet tonight b/c she just out of the blue told us she loved both her brothers and couldn't wait for Zach to come home so she could teach both brothers new things. We are so lucky that our kids get along so well. We are eager to watch the interactions with the new sibling like we have watched Em and Cal. I hated at the end of my time having to put him back in his bed. I always get a little sappy when I have to hand him back to the nurse, it makes me sad like I don't want him anymore, like I am "done playing with my doll now" kind of feeling. That is so not the case at all!! Of course, we are reminded by the nurses that he does his most growth and brain development when he is sleeping peacefully in his bed. It helps to know that we are doing good to lay him down. I am truly afraid that this child may get a little more spoiled b/c of this situation.

My mom comes tomorrow!! We are super excited to be getting more help again. Besides finding time to chase 2 young kids, run to the hospital, and try to maintain the house, laundry, mail, bills, etc., we also somehow need to find time to prepare this house for Zachary's arrival. We started putting Christmas stuff away today, which helps. We are so behind! We had planned to work the week of New Year's on changing the guest room into the nursery. Now we need to do some shopping for Zach items, clean out a guest bed, and move in our baby items to set it all up. Sounds a lot easier than it is with Emerald and Calvin "helping" and having their own needs, let alone taking about 4+ hours a day to devote to Zach (if we can find it). Wish us luck in this endeavor!

I know I'm rambling, but it's late and I'm pretty exhausted tonight. I really appreciate you all reading the blog and keeping up with our Pankewich family happenings. It is a blessing that so many of you can keep up to date via the blog. We are trying to stay in touch with many of you, but we just don't seem to have enuf hours in our day. This helps that you can read this instead of us having to recount each day's news over and over again. We are also feeling extremely blessed with the amount of love, support, and prayers coming our way. Thank you everyone!! Keep the prayers focused on strength for our baby Zachary. He is doing well, and we know how fragile his condition is for now.